What The Fuck Did They Eat ....?!?

  I was up at Noel's northern farm yard, today. He has two farm yards. North and south. He lives along the road from the southern one and his northern one is up behind me.

 Anyway, I've spotted that his new cow shed is fucking perfect for Starling Nest Boxes and so was up there today, putting the first few up.

  I'm hanging them on the north facing wall of this nice high, really long shed. They face out onto nothing but acre upon acre of nothing.

No one can even see them, unless they come through the gate and intend to trudge off into the distance over rough pasture. Perfect for both Starlings and peoples aesthetics. Out of sight, out of mind.

 Only, as I was up my ladder, fixing the second one in position, that's when I happened to glance down and spotted it. Horrible.

 It was a sort of orangey brown colour. Smooth and glistening. It lay curled in the grass beneath me. And they say St. Patrick got rid of all the snakes in Eire? Well, he'd fucked up with this Bad Boy!

  This area is known as ..... well, suffice to say it begins with an 'S'. We'll call it " Scammel ", just for the purpose of this discussion. And I thought; " Fuck me! The Scammel Serpent! The Snake Of Scammel! A Legend!!! "

  And, of course, ye know how these kind of things have a sort of magnetic allure all of their own? It's like a train wreck; Ye shouldn't. But, ye can't help looking.

 Of course, as a Rat Catcher, it's second nature for me to go straight into Detective Mode around such things, despite myself. I came down the ladder. Bent over. And had a fucking good look.

 I wanted to believe Dog. Because the colour and consistency suggested a Dog fed on that carcinogenic shit people feed Dogs these days. Disgusting little pellets of vet kill and shit.

 But, there's no Dogs of this size and calibre in the area. No Dog had done this. Ah! And I was right! There it was. Barely a foot to the left, look. 

 A visible scrap of that blue paper towel they sell big rolls of, in the agricultural store in town. Dogs don't wipe their arses on paper towels.

 Noel. His wife. Their two sons. They all come down here, checking on the cattle. But, it's only a minutes drive for them and they wouldn't be here long. 

 Who of them ~ and why ~ did they produce this abomination of the bowel? This catastrophic colonic cast off. Why couldn't they have waited till they'd got back home?

 What The Fuck Did They Eat ....?!?