An Absolute Near Death Experience!!!

   Jesus fucking wept! I'm So Lucky to be sitting here, typing this! This morning, I nearly managed to pull off a double killing. Me being one of them.

  Ye know me, I like to tell ye the whole story. But, this is a story from within a story. So, excuse me if I make it a bit more condensed on the exact details. They're for another story.

  Snape. My beloved Common Snapping Turtle. Got him in January 2017. He was about the size of a Half Crown. Bought him an 18" x 12" fish tank and he was lost in it.

  Now? Bastard's got a roughly 10" x 10" shell alone and weighs a fucking ton! As I found out yesterday, when I had to lift his plastic box.

  So, he's gone through a few, ever growing, enclosures over the years. Now though, I'm actually working on the physical side of 'building' his Big enclosure.

  Basically, I'm sectioning off a corner of the room and shall 'furnish' a cut down IBC water tank for him.

  That's why this whole room is in disarray. My mind's fried. And the Dogs are Not Happy. 

   Snape's as happy as he can be though. He's still in his usual box. With his heater and filter. Me netting out anything visible which the filter misses. Changing out a couple of litres a day, religiously.

  And, he's always my first port of call, when I get up. The Dogs jump up and leap around. Snape lives in an opaque plastic box of water. I need to physically lift the lid and visually check he's okay in there.

  And this morning was no exception. Got up. Let the Dogs out. Kettle on. Come in here and look at Snape.

  Okay. He'd evacuated what was left in his bowels, after a fucking good sort out the other day. Water was a bit murky. I'd get my little fine meshed net to work and clean his filter.

  It's what's called a " Cannister " filter. Lives inside the tank. Fully submersed. Snape's is one of the biggest they do. Probably about 10" x 3"?

  What ever. I have it laying, rather than standing in his box. Because the water's not deep enough. 

 And, living in a world with just two other objects, one of which disturbs the water? I guess it attracts Snape's attention and he likes to 'play with it'.

  He actually shoves himself beneath it, so it's resting on his back. But, this lifts the intake end out of the water. So the motor is left sucking air, at the other end.

  To combat this, I've learned to drape the flex over the rim of the tank, pull it so the heavier, motor end, is lifted just so, just below the surface of the water. Thus keeping the bottom end submerged.

 And, I keep the flex in place, jammed under a heavy brick beside the tank. Have done for a year or more. Works.

  So, today I get up. Dogs out. Kettle on. Come back in here to check on Snape.

  There he is, playing with his filter, again. He's got it, basically, balanced across his' shoulders'. Like a weight lifter. I saw that.

   And, in the next nano second, my barely awake mind also noted the filter wasn't sucking and spurgling, as it would normally do when he lifts the motor end out of the water.

  But, the motor end Was in the water. There was barely a quarter inch of the casing out of the water.

  And, there was the black flex that fed into the motor casing at exactly that spot. And there was the blue wire, which should have been encased in that flex. 

  And there was the brown wire. And I could see the copper at the end of the brown wire, which shouldn't have been ending.

  And a little pillar of smoke was snaking up from it. And I was dimly aware of a sizzling sound. And that I'd just disgraced myself .....

  If Snape had just relaxed his muscles, as I've just let my own shoulders drop in relaxation, after remembering that Horror.

  If I'd functioned on thought, rather than absolute, instinctive, muscle brain reaction? 

Another fraction of a split second, and Snape could have relaxed. That Live wire would have submerged. I'd have grabbed at the filter. Plunging my hand into the water.

  I was a fraction of a split second faster. We live.

Let's Follow The Thought Processes Of A Complete Fucking Idiot

Shall we? It's this snapper, again. No. He's not the idiot. I am. And, being such a cunt has cost me dearly! I just can't believe how fucking thick I've been! What's fucking Wrong with me?!

  Come to that? I wonder that none of the people I explained all this shit to didn't just say; " Hang about, you thick cunt. Why don't ye just ....." God all mighty!

  Here goes then: When I got my Snapping Turtle I was completely aware that he'd grow ridiculously big and would need, basically, a pond of his own.

  No problemmo. I'd get him what's called a Stock Tank. Basically, a large, low, circular steel tank. Somewhat like one of those blow up paddling pools people get for kiddies to splash about in. But, bigger.

  I'd put it out on my ground. Put a fence round it, to keep the Dogs out and turtle in. Job done.

  Only, this fucking snapper's grown on me so much, he's Like a fucking Dog now! I love glancing over at him. He responds like hell, when he sees me feeding the real Dogs. He knows they're getting meat and he wants some!

  No Way could I shove him outside. Just going out to stare down at him, once in a while. No. Not fucking happening. Not on my shift.

  That's about where I went full fucking retard and my whole thought process went completely to shit!

  I started researching fuck off great fish tanks. Mind bendingly big ones. Olympic sized shit. How do they do them?

  Ply wood! Seriously! The mega serious, Marine type boys don't fuck about with acres of plate glass. They use fucking ply wood! Glue it, with ridiculously special and murder to work with glue.

 Screw it. Seal it. Paint it, with stupidly special fucking paint that costs a fortune. Hell of a lot of fucking around. But, if They can do it ....?

    I decided, as ply comes in 8' x 4' sheets? That'd be my base line. Snappy shall have an eight by four tank. In here. Where my futon is. I can give it a glass front and look at him. Sixteen inches deep should do it. Cut a sheet into three strips, look.

  But, wait; What about my futon? " Durrrrr " moment number one! I thought I'd get some sort of table structure made. Put his tank on top of it. I'd sleep underneath.

  Cunt. Even when I calculated this thing was gonna weigh about a ton and half, full of water, I still envisaged getting a good nights sleep, directly beneath it. FFS!

  Thankfully, Hugh had the presence of mind to suggest I might be better sleeping above it! 

  He also threw in that miners, to this day, like wooden pit props. " Because wood can be heard to crack, before the roof comes down. ". Suddenly, the vision of me sleeping my remaining days, one ear open for that Crack ..... No. Just No. Fuck That!

  Then, I spoke to Dean O'. All round fucking genius, is Dean O'. Turn his hand to anything. He pointed out that this floor was laid for people to walk on. It was never mean't to support a ton and half in the space of a sofa.

  Being pissed doesn't help. The floor. Not Dean O'. Floor runs down. No good trying to level it. Needs a whole, new, slab of concrete. Both to level the slope and support the weight.

  So; I called Bob The Builder. Have asked him to come here and give me a quote. For laying an eight by four slab of concrete, in my room.

  I'll leave it there, for now. Because, that's about where I've got to. Paint, in my shed. Glue, on its way. Three sheets of 3/4" Exterior grade, under cover, outside.

  And, I'm a cunt. Complete and total fucking arsehole. Can you, dear reader, see where I missed the simple answer?

  Many decades ago, a nice bloke, by the name of Clem', once said to me: " Ditch; As you go through life, you'll need to get things done. And, there's Always a hard way, and an easier way of doing anything. Always look for the easy way. "

  I've tried to live by that. I fucked up. I've let ye down, Clem'. I'm a cunt.

I'm Having A 'Mare!!!

   Some hours ago; I'd just ate my dinner. Was sipping my nightly ration of Jameson. 

  Telling my friend, over the mike, what a full, busy and rewarding day I'd had.

  Right up to the bit where I'd pulled off some real 'Red Neck Ingenuity' in my snapper turtles tank.

  I'd put my snapper back in his tank Thursday night. Having fixed a leak that had mysteriously come about. 

  I'd put that one down to some sort of glitch in the matrix. Tank was hand made, by me. I've made loads of tanks. Never had a springer!

  Now, turtle was happy. I was happy. Filter was secured. Water was warm. I'd finally got a lump of meat out the freezer for him. (They can't eat when it's cold. Can't digest right) Shangri la, all round!

  Hour later? She'd gone about her business. I was sat here, feeling that warm glow of satisfaction. When I glanced over my shoulder and all fucking hell let loose!!!

  My, newly repaired, fish tank was pissing a Jet of water!!!


  Now, this fucker holds over fifteen gallons of water.  That much water is now saying 'Hullo' to my fucking living room!

  Incredibly; I'm good in these situations. I tend not to lose my shit. So, I'm actually over there, peering at this jet of water, hosing out of the bottom, front of my tank.

  I mean; There's a shit ton of water on the floor. Gonna be a shit ton more, before I ever get the buckets in operation. First things first. Identify Target.

  There's my snapper. Calmly laying on the bottom. Right where the leak is. And, mother of god all fucking mighty! Look at that fucking claw!!!

  I swear to god, people; If ye don't know what a snappers claws are like? Think about that comic character, " Wolverine ".


  I imagine; Piss him off and Shick!!! These ten inch long, razor sharp blades shoot out of his fists?


  Yeah, well; Snappers don't go " Shick!!! ". They just mince about with those fuckers! 


  And My fucker has, quite simply, got himself between a rock and a siliconed place. Gave it the fucking Samson at Dagon treatment and .....

   I was actually Looking at his fucking claw, deeply embedded in the Double Thick Layered silicone!!!


   Ninja Turtles? This boy's shit 'em! He'd gone through that shit like Toshiro Mifune!

   I'm in a world of pain and doubt, now.  So much has been going on here, behind the scenes. I'd planned to present the other end of this shit as a joyous series.

" Teabag " ..... How Have I Not Mentioned Him?!

  Where do I even start then? " The Beginning " would entail my relating my entire fucking life story. So, let's just say I had a 'Snapper', before. 

  Common Snapping Turtle, Chelydra serpentina, for those who may need to check this shit out. I had to give my first one up up, due to my health at that time. But, I've always craved a replacement.

  January, 2017, I found one I could get my hands on. Taxi!!! So, a five hour, €120.00 taxi ride later, I was back home, from North Antrim, with my new Snapper. €80.00 and barely out of the fucking shell! 

  Here he is, modelling beside a €1.00 coin. At 23.25mm, a Yo is just a shade bigger than a quid:

 

  Scary muvva, eh?  I not only got near him, at that stage; I'd even think nothing of picking him up! Even a month later, as he grew .....

  Cute as fuck, eh? It was great fun, feeding him little flakes of meat, from the forceps. Watching him valiantly  ripping a scrap of beef apart, with his little beak and claws.

  I had him in an 18" tank, then. One I'd bought for him. That was Jan, '17. 

  By the middle of The year, I'd had to build him a bigger tank. I made him a 36" long one. 10" high. 17" wide.  Something he could grow into. Here he was, at one end of his own football pitch:

  Still cute as fuck, huh? Yeah. Snappers, like many baby turtles, are cute little fuckers. But, if they survive that long ~ Don't die of mismanagement. Or get dumped in the local park pond.  They live long, and prosper! 

 " Teabag " is prospering! I'd long since figured on this. I didn't get him on a fucking whim. 'To amuse the kids'. We're together for ever, now.

  I call him " Teabag ", incidentally, because it occurred to me that I'd pay fucking good money, to see any cunt try to 'Teabag' him, in his tank! LOL! 

  He's growing nicely now. Nearly eight inches each way. And anything approaching the surface of his water is treated as food!

  But, that's what actually prompted and inspired me to write this. The insanity of the concept which finally dawned on me, tonight. When I fed the Dogs.

  See; My Dogs, like Teabag, are fed on raw flesh and bone. Their natural diets. And, I basically do this by walking into this room, where Teabag lives, and chucking handfuls of meat around. Dogs know their spots and eat what I throw to them.

  Obviously then, once I disappear out the kitchen, at the appointed time. Make the usual, chopping sounds, then open that door? Each Dog knows the score and is bouncing around in its spot, eager to catch what I throw it.

  Classical 'Pavlovs Dog' shit, yeah? My Dogs are conditioned to expect feeding, at a certain hour. As soon as I start doing certain, routine, shit. They Know it ends with food coming their way. They get excited, in anticipation, and jump about excitedly. So what?

  Only, here's the fucking kicker! Those same Dogs are given to play fighting much of the day too. Jumping around, getting excited. Teabag can see this, from his tank. I guess he can hear it too? He remains sanguine.

  Yet, bang on the hour, the moment I announce it's feed time and come back into this room, chucking meat around? I've realised fucking Teabag is jumping around in his tank too!!!

  He runs up and down the glass. Rearing up, ready to grab anything from the surface. Very clearly extremely aware of me. Focused and excited!

  But, what the fuck?! I've Never fed him, along with or at the Dogs feeding time! He has absolutely no reason to have developed a Pavlovian response to their getting fed.

  Except that; His little, turtle brain has actually figured out that these other things, in this room with him, are like him. Some strange, hairy, long legged Land Turtles. And They're getting fucking fed, like he does!!!

  The bastard actually Recognises that it's Meat ~ the stuff He loves eating ~ that I'm chucking to the Dogs! And, he Wants some! Clearly, if I let him get on the floor, at feeding time? He'd be scuttling after what I was throwing the Dogs!

  Now, I don't know about you? But, I find that pretty fucking cool! 

  Fucking turtle, that's only Ever known existence within a glass box, has managed to figure out that completely unconnected life forms, with which it's never had Any association what so ever, are not only getting food. But, they're getting the sort of food he likes too!

  Beats the shit out of a fucking Goldfish, doesn't it?

That 'Cute Little Fucker', Tonight

" What About Mine?!? "