Christmas Cake For The Birds .....

 I'm truly delighted to be able to say that, largely thanks to the input of some good people over at Jims Beer Kit, I'm now able to source Beef Dripping again. 

I'd brought some with me but, that ran out years ago. I hadn't been able to find any here since. And that's been a nightmare; Watching the birds trying to make it through some hellish winters, without my 'Fat Cakes' to pump them full of warmth and energy.

 Well, now I'm back. I'm chuffed to bits. So chuffed, in fact, that I thought it high time I shared my secret with you. Want to help the birds make it through the months to come? Excellent!

Only, please don't buy those vile balls sold in green plastic mesh bags or by the bucket full for next to nothing. I have no hard evidence of this. But, I personally refer to them as containing 'Camel Shit'. 

 God alone knows what filth and floor sweepings go into those things. I do know they're certainly not labelled as " BTO Approved ". Fuck them. Let's make some grub We have control over. It's easy! Here's how .....

Ye need a square slab cake tin ~ push up bottom type is preferable. Pyrex jug. Basic type of food processor. Some peanuts and some beef dripping. Lard Is Useless!!!

 Here we go. Takes under twenty minutes, start to finish .....

  There's ye Cake Tin. Mine happens to be 6" x 3". Awkward size, actually. Because it's just a bit too big for even the biggest Fat Cake Holders commercially available. " Gardman "make one nearer to 5" by 1 1/2".

 I used to have a green plastic coated cage that I could just about clamp almost shut around my 3" thick cakes. Can't find them for sale now. Don't worry though; Finding a cage to hold ye cakes will be the only possible problem.

I even bought my Food Processer simply to make these Fat Cakes with. Less than a score. I've seen suitable kit for a fiver!

 Give the peanuts a few blasts ~ easy on that motor. They over heat quickly enough ~ till ye have a bread crumb like consistancy.

Chuck some Dripping in the Pyrex jug and give it a few minutes in the microvave. While that's doing, lay a bed of peanut crumbs in ye cake tin. Inch or so deep. That'll allow the molten Dripping to penetrate the nut crumbs. A light forking will ensure the edges and corners get well soaked too.

 Repeat the process till the tin's full. Then top it off to level with hot Dripping, just to be sure (to be sure).

Doesn't that look good enough to eat? Well, don't. Just leave it alone for half an hour. Then prize it up off the work surface and stick it in the freezer. 

 Now comes the inevitable clean up. Frankly? I used to put down news papers. More mess and fuss than they're worth, in all honesty. Without paper, ye get something very much like this:

 

It's just not a problem. Dull knife scrapes the bulk of it up. That goes into the jug, for next time. J Cloth and a spot of that stuff they now call " Cif ", believe it or not, actually disolves the residue! 

Never thought I'd be strongly reccomending any cleaning product which sounds to be named after a nasty, social disease. But, there it is.

Sort yeself out a cage for it ~ I knocked one up out of wire mesh and cable ties, for now ~ and it's ready to go out as soon as the freezer makes it loose its grip on the cake tin, an hour or two later.

 Hang it from a taught length of fencing wire, strung between two points, and the rats can't get at it.

  Here's mine. Freshly hung out, tonight. See the little 4" x 4", commercial thing next to it? They cost me £2.50 a peice and don't last three days! This muvva costs me less and lasts weeks!

Nigella Lawson; Eat ye heart out! (Well, come on, guys; Any excuse to have another look at Nigella Lawson, eh?!)

Feed The Birds ......

I mean seriously. Please. They're having absolute fucking hell out there right now. You can help ensure that a lot more of them make it through. It doesn't have to be a chore either. Certainly not a strain on the budget.

Pick up a wire mesh, tubular 'Peanut Feeder' and a bag of shelled peanuts. Probably set ye back less than a fiver. Hang it within a few feet of some sort of cover, if possible. Hedge. Tree. What ever. If at all possible, hang it from a length of fence wire (tying wire will do admirably, if ye more urban) And fix it so it's four feet from either end of that wire. About chest or head height.

Why's this? It's because rats can't jump that far. Nor can they climb along such wire. Not the Brown Rat ye'd get in ye gardens anyway. And peanuts, unlike 'Bird Seed' mixes, won't get picked out of their feeders and scattered about the ground below.

That's why councils and my fellow pest controllers have taken to damning people who feed the wild birds, see? They blame Compost Heaps and 'Bird Feeders'. I say 'fucking well educate people in the correct ways of keeping their compost heaps, and feeding the birds.'

I'm talking from experience here. I've fed the birds all my life. I know about rats. I've cracked it. I've been feeding the birds around here now for twelve months, like this, without rats getting in on the act. It Can be done. I've just told ye how. No need not to look after the poor bloody birds, despite what the Thought Police might say.

Not all birds eat that much peanut, of course. Some like insects and even fruit. So, for those, I put out tiny amounts of strategically placed minced meat. Put a bit the size of my thumbnail on top of a fence post, near where any of my Robins gets. Little buggers are waiting for me now, every day. They virtually take it from my hand in their keenness. I'm sure they would do too. But, I'm not into teaching wild birds 'tricks'.

Pesky little fuckers though. Moment I open my door and there's one hopping about my kitchen. Looking for something to eat. I have to shoo him out before the Dogs find him. Always in there. Not in the least bit concerned about me. Too hungry to care, poor soul.

So, buy an apple today, eh? Red ones, I feel, are best. Cut it in half and just leave it out there, on the ground. Blackbirds and such will see it off. Fetch it inside as darkness has fallen, if ye like.

See? Bloody easy. Doesn't need a Degree in anything. Costs next to nothing. And we do it simply because we can.

Compassion is good. Try some. It might grow on ye.