Delivery For Mr Shitter ....?

This Is getting interesting! Get a load of this; Did I ever tell ye about how I've bought myself a shower unit and kitchen sink ensemble to absolutely fucking die for? Think I might have. Anyway. I have. Cost me a grand and a half. And that's just the two sided shower cubicle, kitchen sink, sink unit and work top. But the Shitter is a man of hidden tastes. It's well worth it.

I was told, on the day, that it'd be six weeks till delivery. So, what's that? Say 1st of June. Due mid July, I suppose? Not here yet. And, while I'm not one to fuss, I have been making enquiries. See; Some weeks ago, down at 'Deano's Bar and Grill', I reached for my phone, only to discover it was switched off. Dog must've trod on it or something?

But, that's when I found the voice mail, from the courier responsible for bringing me my goodies. Said they'd be here the Monday, could I ring them back to confirm? Well, not at 23:40 I couldn't! Though I did try. No answering machine though. Quality of their outfit shines through, eh?

Come Monday; No come my sink. I was philosophical. I was also busy. Had the builders in, making a window into a doorway for me. Might tell ye about that later on too. And so, as ye might imagine, the non confirmed, non arrival of my sink and shower sort of slid past me.

One day though I got my shit together enough to ring Home Base. I rang the number on their till receipt, as attached to my order form. Wrong number. That's to say; " Numbers beginning with those numbers have now changed to These numbers. Please dial again, subtracting that number from This number, dividing by thirteen and applying the square root of the sum to ....." Yes. Alright. You can fuck off too!

Never mind. I rang the number they gave me for their warehouse / suppliers. " Hello! Colin speaking. How may I help you? " I explained to Colin. Colin gave me a number to ring. I rang That number; " Not in Service." Great. Feeling my daily ration of exposure to brain tumour inducing mobile phones was about up for one day, I left it there.

Next day, the left side of my brain having cooled down, I rang another of their numbers. " Hello! Greg' speaking. How may I help you? "I explained to Greg'. Greg' gave me a number to ring. I told Greg' that Colin had given me that number and nothing was happening with it.

Where was I? I'm in Eire. Where Home Base is. Why? Where's my sink then? Don't know. But ring This number and they'll be able to help you. So, I rang That number and, had I not been alone here ~ indeed, had Greg' have been here? That would have been when the fight broke out!

So, leaving that one in abeyance, I got back onto trying to chase up that fucking shotgun license, with Kermit the muppet inflicted on us a our local Gard (" Yaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!!!!! ")

And this afters, as Steve was driving me back from town, I mentioned my missing sink to him. Steve's a man of many facets. Horse breeder. Taxi driver. Local 'Peoples Advocate'. He smelled a case and was onto Home Base as soon as we were parked up at my gate. Things soon became Interesting!

Lady at Home Base said; " Was it a shower surround unit? " Steve confirmmed it was. Or that was part of it. Then she dropped the blinder! " According to our records, that's been delivered and signed for ..... " Reallayyy?!? Well, Fuck ....! ".

See, Steve knows me. He knows I wouldn't be pulling his pisser about this. He sure as hell knew I hadn't been signing for any shower units, at this address. On this town land. Down this track. He also knew that there was only one other person down this ..... track ....?! He Never Would Have?!?

All at once, I'm wanting to blurt out into Steve's loud speakered phone; " The person who signed for my shower? Was he a wet lipped, stupid looking cunt who laughed at his own every fucking statement?! " . Yeppers, because there's only two of us down here. my self and The Idiot! Don't tell me that dozy cunt's gone and scribbled something on a bit of paper and took my shower?! He'd have to be Far more stupid than any of us give him credit for!

And that's where I came in here. Bummer is though, Steve rang me, even as I was writing this, to say Home Base has been back onto him. From what I can gather, they reckon the stuff's still in their warehouse. Wether they mean shower, sink, unit, the fucking lot? I don't know. But; How come 'their records showed the shower was delivered and signed for'?

What the fuck Are they playing at there? It's worse than a plot out of Soap! (And Dean O' is NOT Gay! He becomes absolutely fucking incandessent at the very suggestion. So don't make it!) Either way, it speaks volumes for Home Base, eh? I ever want to buy this sort of shit again? I'll find somewhere else.

This Is Rank As Fuck!!!

Ohhh, jesus fucking wept! I've hardly been on line an hour and I come up with Just the sort of thing I want to talk about ~ THIS is the sort of shit that I can only imagine makes me of such interest to others? Shit that just seems to Happen to me! Here's the craic .....

For a few days now I've been aware of a whiff in my kitchen. I mean, we're talking Bad here. Has to be, doesn't it? Like that time I left some steamed Brussel Sprouts in my cupboard ..... for about a month! Remember that one? Well; This beats the shit out of it! This is fucking Harsh!

So, I've got this smell. It's emanating from my sink. Yeah? Now, being an old, isolated Irish farmstead, I have no plumbing to speak of. This sink has only a single, cold tap. And that tap drains into some sort of soak away ~ I guess. Figured there must be something down there got a bit bacterial. No problemmo. I slung some disinfectant down the plug hole a night or two back.

Maybe it's me? But, I wasn't so aware of the stink by today. What I was aware of was the fact that my Land Line phone is due to have been connected by tomorrow. Thus, in anticipation, I'd rung myself on my mobile the other day. Got an engaged tone sound. Today I got the ringing sound. But no phone ringing.

See, I have this weird little phone I brought with me. I've plugged it into the phone socket and have charged it up. It's sat out there, in the kitchen. Won't ring though. So I reckon there's something (Oh, this fucking stink is doing my head in here! No Way can I eat my dinner with This!) I reckon there's some button I've not hit. But which button?

Now, I'm a fucker for Manuals. I always read them. Then I keep them. I've been actively looking out for an A4 sized box file. Somewhere I can store all my stacks of manuals for things I have here. Haven't found one yet. But I thought maybe I could find the phones manual somewhere about this cottage.

Like most of us blokes then, I have a vague idea where I put things. I know I keep some manuals in the 'cutlery' draw of my sink unit. Uh huh. Sink stink? Now we're getting to talk about the drawer in the sink unit? You wait!

Sooooo ..... I pop open the drawer. I look down at the usual contents. Stack of manuals. Some bunches of Dog fur (I can explain that! I brush my Dogs out and stick the fur in the drawer. I save it up, through winter, to put out for the birds. They take it for nesting material. Still got some in there) And the usual crap one puts in ones 'Kitchen Drawer' down the years. Ball of string. Pair of brass hinges. Ye know the sort of shit.

Only, I don't quite remember this brown fur. In fact, it reminded me of young robins feathers. I couldn't quite get a make on it and my mind sort of went into over ride. Alarm bells were ringing. I somehow found myself heading straight out the door with this drawer in my hands.

Then I saw the fucking Maggots! And the wet, leathery, black skin! Ah, jesus! Oh my fucking christ! It was a Dead Fucking Rat!!!

No shit! I've got this well rotted down, maggot crawling fucking rat, right there in my own kitchen draw! Fuck knows how he got in there. Obviously took the bait I regularly put down around here ~ but outside, for chrissake! I can only imagine this bastard came in somewhere round where the waste pipe goes out. I'll have to check tomorrow.

Right now I'm calling a cab; See if there's anywhere I can eat out tonight. No fucking way can I stomach eating in here. The rat's long gone, but this stench is still burning my nostrils!

This is the actual shot I originally took with my new phone!
This was in my fucking drawer!