I Have Seen Things You People Wouldn't Believe .....

  Seen Phil Lloyd, stood there like a statue. Directing his Dog with the slightest twitch of his finger. Nothing survived.

  That was Fucking impressive. But, anyone who's heard anything about Phil will be nodding. Thinking; " Yep. They say he's that good. " I've seen it.

But, I want to tell ye something ye Will Not Believe. Not if ye know shit about shit, anyway. 

And, I'm guessing, most people bothering to come here will know at least the basics about ferrets? 

  Remember the " Shooting News "? Guy, writing under 'Whiteface' once summed ferrets up as ~ to paraphrase:

  'Waking up. Looking around for something to kill. ' LOL! Right there: Ferrets encapsulated! 

  Now, off into the realms of GTF!!!



  Christ, how long ago was it? Oh! Just used the calculator. Forty five years back. Shit was different, in those days.

  So, I was in a local pub. I had a ferret with me. I was examining it, for some reason. A woman said to me;

  " Oh! A ferret? I have ferrets. I keep them with my guinea pigs. " (I shit ye not!!!)

  Up shot is; Following a bit of conversation, this woman invited me to See her ferret and guinea pig ensemble for myself. Turned out she lived just round the corner. In the road I lived in.

  I've never forgotten it, or quite fathomed it, people. She led me in. Opened the kitchen door. Put the light on and made the usual squeeky, kissy noises people do.

  On my Dogs lives and souls: I stood there and watched, clearly, as various fucking Ferrets and Guinea Pigs came issuing out from under and around the kitchen furniture!!! 

  I actually witnessed  ~ with These fucking eyes! ~ a ferret and a guinea pig, Drinking from the Same Fucking Bowl!!! I Shit Ye Not!!!

  Half a fucking century ago, people. Things were different, then. Those who were part of the game, then, will know.

  I haven't seen attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.

But, looking at shit, today? I find the acceptance of Hypocrisy hard to fathom. 

The Great 'Halloween' Explore ..... (Pt 2)

If ye've just read the prelude to this? Good for you.

If ye haven't? Why not fuck off back to page one of this entire Blog. Read the Profile and get yeself a clue what goes on around here? This isn't a news paper. Something ye can open where ye fancy and just start reading. Well ..... ye can, I s'pose? But, do that and ye'll miss a Lot. Some great shit back there. Much of it also laying the foundations for what ever might come next.

Anyway; Head lights swept across my window .....

Off we went. Dean O' slyly asking me what footwear I'd brought. I reassuring him that I had my gum boots on. They being more comfortable than my waders. I assumed there'd be some walking to do. And he'd mentioned big vehicle tracks churning the mud about the place too. Weather we've had this year? Regular, overland vehicle movement could form some Seriously deep shit!

On the way, I enthused about my new Pot Bellied Stove. I'd bought it that day. To replace the clapped our Range in the kitchen. Dean was so buoyant that I'd agreed to come, he said he'd pick it up for me and fit it, free of charge. We'll see about That!

On we drove. Sign posts to 'Balligodknows' flashing by. Through villages and towns. Up a little main street. Straight into a fucking Gard, standing there, in the middle of the road, with a flash light! Eh?!

" Have ye ye driving licence, sir? Thankyou. Where ye heading? 'Just up through the next place ye can think of'? Fine. And, who's that in there with ye? 'Ah, Just a friend'? Fine. Ok, sir. Have a good night. "

Thank Fuck he didn't say he had " Ditch Shitter " in the motor with him! That could've led to some closer questioning!

Anyway; Big Night Out, in Eire. 'Halloween'. I guess we might have been a local farmers son, 'borrowed' Dads van and driving it, full of pissed up youngsters, to some party, somewhere. Nice change to see the Garda making themselves 'useful' round here.

Shortly afterwards, we found the gate. " This is it! " Cried Dean O'. " This is where we came ..... in ... ". He sort of tailed off as he took in the fucking great chain and padlock! That hadn't been there before! My self preservation alarm bells started ringing! Time for a bit of caution!

Never mind. There were a few ways into this place. Dean O' wasn't to be beaten yet. We drove on. Down here. Round this side, somewhere, there was another lane in.

And That must be it! See? The cut stone wall? Only a place like a convent would have had those around here. And our convent definitely had them. In we go!

Or not. Steel fucking gate. Load of young cattle behind the fence. Friesian cattle?! WTF?! Listen; Where you are, maybe 'All' cowz are black and white, with fucking great udders slopping about? Around here, we breed Beef cattle. Right mongrels. Any colour ye care to mention, on the outside. Meat inside's all that matters. 'Strange'.

And, what about that fucking great tractor standing there? Nothing at all unusual about that. Weirder Not to have seen one. But, still the sense on unease seemed to step up a little.

Ever onwards. This place did have at least three ways in. And, fuck me! Just look at that Gate House! That's got to be The Main Entrance! The Gate House, built in a style reminiscent of a little chapel. The expensive, fancy looking fencing. The 'religious' (?) looking symbols in the walls?

Yes. And the fuck off great, new and very clear sign blaring, " So and so Dairy. Private Property! Do Not Enter! " Ohhhhh Fuck! And here's Dean' O, driving us straight in there! This outfit owns the whole fucking acreage. They have valuable livestock on it. Their boys get all over it, in four wheel drives.

Few more yards? Another fucking sign: " If You MUST Enter ... Phone ..... " That just about did it for me! Like; They've already warned us not to come down this god forsaken track. Now they're warning us that there's, potentially, some mad old cunt with a shotgun at the other end, nervy as all hell about Anyone who turns up before his fucking phone rings? No Fucking Way!

Still Dean O's creeping forward. Though by now, with me trying to get under the passenger seat and making weird, high pitched squealing sounds ~ bit like a Guinea Pig, actually. Only from the wrong end ~ even He's starting to break a sweat and feel the doubt.

I think it was the last sign we approached that finally broke even Dean's youthful will; " Mad Old Cunt With A Shotgun At The Other End. Ring His Phone, Or Else! " That about did it! We were out of there. Fuck This for a game of intrepid nosers!


As we sped off homewards, it was Dean's phone that rang, as it happens. His mate from Dublin. Calling to ask how it was going. It wasn't going, of course. Mission Aborted and Returning To Base!

Made me laugh; " If that was me, " He'd said, " I'd have gone Straight over that first gate! ". Oh no ye wouldn't, son. Especially after Dean O' had mused that there had been empty 12 Bore cartridges lying about the place!

Fuck That ....!

Guinea Pigs .....

How fucked up are they? I mean; These things need no introduction, do they? They're just weird little fucks that make even weirder noises. They do my head in.

In Peru, where they eat the bastards, people just have them dashing about the floors of their own living quarters. Imagine that? Watching these things running about under ye feet, shitting their weird little shits and making all that strange noise. Then catching hold of one and having it for dinner.

How do ye kill a Guinea Pig? Doesn't seem to have much neck there to get hold of. Frankly, I'd find it hard to just whack something so completely inoffensive, in cold blood. We're just not programmed to hurt the little shits, are we?

Of course, I've no doubt some idiots out there would Love to be able to line up free ranging Guinea Pigs in the over sized telescopic sights of their pre charged, black, and purportedly 'SAS' looking air rifles. Some people would like to have shot the little wren my magpies just caught.

And what about free ranging guinea pigs? There's a thought, isn't it? They have them in Peru. I'm given to believe it can get damn cold over there. Maybe it just isn't as tirelessly damp and cold as UK and Eire? Only, I can't help thinking; If guinea pigs ever stood a cellophane rat in hells chance of gaining a foot hold in this part of the world, surely they would've done so by now?

Imagine it if they had though. What would they do out there? Would they dig their own holes? Do they even live in holes? And I wonder what they eat? Grass, like sheep? Or would they go trundling along the hedgerow, having a bit of everything?

Big problem, of course, for the guinea pigs; 'Everything' would eat Them! Not exactly cut out for self defence, are they? Everything from weasles to badgers would be ploughing into them. Magpies to Goshawks.

Which leads me to wonder; How do they survive in Peru? Is Peru a land void of predators; Or do they only survive in peoples homes? I'd have a mind to get some for here. Only I can't see them lasting two minutes with Orange Dog around. I'd put some in my aviary. But the 'pies would kill them too.

Shame, really. Harmless seeming little creatures. Be amusing to have around. And they make a good noise too.