Delivery For Mr Shitter ....?

This Is getting interesting! Get a load of this; Did I ever tell ye about how I've bought myself a shower unit and kitchen sink ensemble to absolutely fucking die for? Think I might have. Anyway. I have. Cost me a grand and a half. And that's just the two sided shower cubicle, kitchen sink, sink unit and work top. But the Shitter is a man of hidden tastes. It's well worth it.

I was told, on the day, that it'd be six weeks till delivery. So, what's that? Say 1st of June. Due mid July, I suppose? Not here yet. And, while I'm not one to fuss, I have been making enquiries. See; Some weeks ago, down at 'Deano's Bar and Grill', I reached for my phone, only to discover it was switched off. Dog must've trod on it or something?

But, that's when I found the voice mail, from the courier responsible for bringing me my goodies. Said they'd be here the Monday, could I ring them back to confirm? Well, not at 23:40 I couldn't! Though I did try. No answering machine though. Quality of their outfit shines through, eh?

Come Monday; No come my sink. I was philosophical. I was also busy. Had the builders in, making a window into a doorway for me. Might tell ye about that later on too. And so, as ye might imagine, the non confirmed, non arrival of my sink and shower sort of slid past me.

One day though I got my shit together enough to ring Home Base. I rang the number on their till receipt, as attached to my order form. Wrong number. That's to say; " Numbers beginning with those numbers have now changed to These numbers. Please dial again, subtracting that number from This number, dividing by thirteen and applying the square root of the sum to ....." Yes. Alright. You can fuck off too!

Never mind. I rang the number they gave me for their warehouse / suppliers. " Hello! Colin speaking. How may I help you? " I explained to Colin. Colin gave me a number to ring. I rang That number; " Not in Service." Great. Feeling my daily ration of exposure to brain tumour inducing mobile phones was about up for one day, I left it there.

Next day, the left side of my brain having cooled down, I rang another of their numbers. " Hello! Greg' speaking. How may I help you? "I explained to Greg'. Greg' gave me a number to ring. I told Greg' that Colin had given me that number and nothing was happening with it.

Where was I? I'm in Eire. Where Home Base is. Why? Where's my sink then? Don't know. But ring This number and they'll be able to help you. So, I rang That number and, had I not been alone here ~ indeed, had Greg' have been here? That would have been when the fight broke out!

So, leaving that one in abeyance, I got back onto trying to chase up that fucking shotgun license, with Kermit the muppet inflicted on us a our local Gard (" Yaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!!!!! ")

And this afters, as Steve was driving me back from town, I mentioned my missing sink to him. Steve's a man of many facets. Horse breeder. Taxi driver. Local 'Peoples Advocate'. He smelled a case and was onto Home Base as soon as we were parked up at my gate. Things soon became Interesting!

Lady at Home Base said; " Was it a shower surround unit? " Steve confirmmed it was. Or that was part of it. Then she dropped the blinder! " According to our records, that's been delivered and signed for ..... " Reallayyy?!? Well, Fuck ....! ".

See, Steve knows me. He knows I wouldn't be pulling his pisser about this. He sure as hell knew I hadn't been signing for any shower units, at this address. On this town land. Down this track. He also knew that there was only one other person down this ..... track ....?! He Never Would Have?!?

All at once, I'm wanting to blurt out into Steve's loud speakered phone; " The person who signed for my shower? Was he a wet lipped, stupid looking cunt who laughed at his own every fucking statement?! " . Yeppers, because there's only two of us down here. my self and The Idiot! Don't tell me that dozy cunt's gone and scribbled something on a bit of paper and took my shower?! He'd have to be Far more stupid than any of us give him credit for!

And that's where I came in here. Bummer is though, Steve rang me, even as I was writing this, to say Home Base has been back onto him. From what I can gather, they reckon the stuff's still in their warehouse. Wether they mean shower, sink, unit, the fucking lot? I don't know. But; How come 'their records showed the shower was delivered and signed for'?

What the fuck Are they playing at there? It's worse than a plot out of Soap! (And Dean O' is NOT Gay! He becomes absolutely fucking incandessent at the very suggestion. So don't make it!) Either way, it speaks volumes for Home Base, eh? I ever want to buy this sort of shit again? I'll find somewhere else.