Ditch Shitter Just Wrote .....

Ditch Shitter Just Wrote .....

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Thursday, September 8, 2016

The Most Disgusting Thing I've Ever Done In My Life ....!!!



  People; I've actually been trying not to bring ye this one. But, I need to try and gain some closure. I did something just So disgusting, even I am having difficulty getting past it. Maybe sharing it with you poor bastards will help? I dunno.

  See, there's a few things going on here which sort of came together to cause this ghastly event. Bit of a perfect storm. I'd just got fed up with eating stew. That was one thing. So much so that I couldn't face making and forcing myself to choke down another one.

  But, as I tend to get into a given meal, then eat that, pretty much exclusively, for months on end? I only had the makings of stews in the house. So, I went without. Figured I'd wait till my instincts told me what would be my next dietary fixation.

  So, that's why I hadn't eaten a thing for two days and nights. I have my home made stout. That can sustain me, as and when I hit one of these idiosyncratic glitches of mine. I don't mind it too much.

  What's actually a lot harder to bear though is the fucking Boredom I'm suffering right now! My sleep pattern too has hit a speed bump. Now, I'm all out of kilter. I had been sitting up all night, watching films 'n shit. Then sleeping to maybe 14:00. Bad, eh? 

  I thought so. So, I wrenched my body clock. Lately, I've been passing out cold by 03:00. Then waking up at 08:00. Completely wired and wide awake.

  Spring off the futon. Fire up the machine. Inside of ten fucking minutes, I've read the same semi literate, knuckle dragging drivel from the usual dozen or so active members on the hunting forum.

  Quick scan over the Irish place? I'm already running out of anywhere else to go for some stimulation. My long days were becoming interminable. I Need a distraction!

  Play Station!!! My screen died, a few weeks ago. I managed to buy a nice, new one that day though. 20 1/2" screen! It's lovely! And it would be so great for PS2 games! Endless hours lost in charging around Iraq, being the SAS. Fuck, yeah!

  So, I started asking, on the fora. Seeking out the game geeks. What wires would I need, to run my PS2 through this screen?

  Well, nothing is easy, when ye live in the middle of no where. Many miles from what you city dwellers would consider normalcy. You'd just nip out and buy what ever it took, yeah? Pop into Dixons and ye sorted.

  Me? I've spent nights and nights, talking to geeks, on fora. Patiently waiting for their answers. Following their leads. Answering their questions. Making calls. Trying to do as I'm being advised.

  I now have a 20" CRT TV sat next to me. Along with my PS2. It seems all I need now is this different sort of SCART plug. And I should be back in Iraq. Dean'O reckons he might have one. He'll check, tonight.

  Meanwhile, I've been spending my evenings hanging in the beer chat room. Talking to my mate, 'Hip. And, the other night, we got talking about PS2 games!

  God, it was good! I'd tell him one I'd played. Remembering the fun and frustrations. He'd recommend one he's enjoyed. Live links were exchanged. Amazon pages bookmarked. I could almost Taste playing again!

  I finished my pint and, empty  stomach or not, knew I'd want my Jameson ration. I poured it. Eyed it warily. I know the fire of spirits on a completely empty stomach.

  I took a sip. Swallowed. My stomach became a volcano and promptly erupted! Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to grab that empty pint glass! I promptly puked a mouthful or bile, mucous and god knows what into it. A two finger shot of thick, creamy, viscous delight. Charming. But, better than the floor.

  I've always been an extremely good vomiter. Certainly all my adult life. Used to astound and appal my first wife, how I could maintain a perfectly good conversation, even laughing at amusing bits, in between bouts of chucking my guts up every so many seconds.

  So, I thought nothing of that little bout. Got back into this riveting conversation with Hip. GTA was next on our agenda. Me, quietly sipping my Jameson to absolutely no further ill effect. I was having a great time!

  It was only Hip and I in there. We were Burning! Chattering away about all the virtual adventures we'd had. Those to come. Scart leads. PS3's. What Screens. I was like a kiddie on my way to a sweet shop!

  Finishing my Jameson, I didn't even bother to tell Hip I was leaving the room. Let him keep talking and he wouldn't even know I was back.

  Grabbed my glass. Dashed into the other room and poured a draught pint of Black Gold from my shiny tapped bucket. Rushed back in here, eyes already searching out Hips latest words on the screen. What delight was he enthusing about now? Flash Bangs? Fuck, yeah!

 Vaguely aware of the thick, creamy head on my new pint of stout. Eyes and concentration still firmly fixed on the text before me. I took a hearty sip. Sucking into my mouth this thick, slimy, sweetly creamy tasting fucking oyster!!!!!

  It Was In My Fucking MOUTH!!! AGAIN!!!  I was doing " One Ditch, One Finger ", FFS! There is No Way I can even Begin to express the abject fucking Horror I experienced in that moment!

  Shock. Confusion. Utter, indescribable fucking disgust and horror! The contents of my stomach, left and forgotten in that fucking beer glass, had somehow risen and floated at the top of that pint of stout. And ..... Oh dear god; I'm gagging, even at the thought of this! I sucked the whole fucking goo straight back in!!!

  It could only have lasted a second. But, The Horror!!! Longest second of My fucking life! Mind reeling. " W T F ?!?  That's ....!!! " Then, the desperate hope that my brain will be quick enough to command, " Spit!!! ". Not fucking " Swallow! ".

  Fuck this! That'll do. I'm starting to wretch here!

Well, there it is, folks.  The Most Disgusting Thing I've Ever Done In My Life ....!!!
 

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