The Phoenix ~ Another Pint .....

Stop right there. Go back and scroll down to the last entry; " Tom Brown and The Phoenix ". This is a follow on to that one. That one'll make sense of this.

 Yeah, so I was checking something out, on google, the other night. And lo and behold; 

  I found myself looking at listings for what had, for years, been my watering hole and, pretty much the centre of my existence, really. The Phoenix. Duncan Rd, Southsea. Back in the days when Tom Brown ran it. 

  Christ! What a fucking place! If it had been in Deadwood? They'd have named it " The Loon Saloon "! It was fucking Bedlam in there! 

   I'd just point out that poor, dear, crazy fucking Tom is, sadly, long dead. As would be, probably, the majority of (fellow)lunatics who were regular patrons. I point this out, lest anyone might think I'm taking liberties with any confidences. 

  No. We'd be talking the early eighties here. I was a young man then. And probably Half the age of most other cunts in there!

   Just wanted to record some, pretty eclectic and random memories, in absolutely no order, just as they come to me, from what was once a Seriously characterful pub! 

  Places like this just don't exist any more. " Fast Eddie ". What a nice bloke he was! Les' was his on / off girl, now I remember. Les was a lovely, long suffering girl too. 

   I wonder now, if his given name actually Was " Eddie ". Because I seem to have picked up that was the name of a Pool 'Hustler' in some (Paul Newman?) film. 

  What ever. Fast Eddie, with his fifties retro sort of look. With his suit jacket and thin 'tache was indeed death to any fucker who crossed him on the table, out back! 

   He never did the shit like holding his cue vertically and eyeballing through it across the table. Eddie was business.

   And he ran his business like time was money. No fucking about. No showmanship. Just Crack/Pop. Crack/Pop. 

  Looking back? I don't ever remember seeing Eddie register emotion on his face, as he cannoned ball after ball down. It was almost as if god had cursed him.

   It was Eddie's lot to spend all of eternity, expertly whacking in pool balls. God was taking care of shit. Eddie just had to hit the fucking ball. There was no joy in it, for him. 

   Crazy thing is; I Once played him. And I play pool marginally better than I disco dance. But, Some fucking how, we ended up on the Black Ball! And He didn't sink it with his first shot!!! 

   It was an absolutely fucking Cosmic feeling! Here I was; My shot at the black. I could Beat Fast Eddie!!! I could hear the lottery man calling; " And The Winner IS ..... " 

   I fucked it, of course. Eddie went Crack/Pop. And was gone, without even making eye contact. It was just business.

   Sheila; Whoah! Sheila! She was Tom's lady. Bloody lovely woman. Like Tom, must have been about twice my age? 'Landlady' / Hostess with the Mostess! And, fuck me! Did Sheila Have Some!!! 

  Practically the moment I met her, I started the tradition of telling her how I loved her. (All open, honest craic. Especially as my wife was sitting next to me, laughing!) 

  And, before very long ~ owing to how she carried several pint beer glasses at a time ~ I was telling her that; When I died, I wanted to come back as a beer glass! The wife nearly spat her drink everywhere, the first time I said this.

   Dear Sheila just looked at me in completely genuine and innocent lack of comprehension. It got to be a routine. She'd come up the bar, pretty white blouse. 

  Cradling five pint glasses along her arm. I'd stare, longingly, at the middle one. Throw in something like, " Kill me now! ".

   Finally, Sheila looked down at where I was gazing. Saw how the middle glass was fucking near vanished in her cleavage. Laughed so hard she fucking near dropped the lot!

   Imagine that, eh? Two adults, having an innocent bit of craic. Can ye imagine? A younger man, openly and innocently flirting with an older woman.

   Just teasing and having fun. Her, eyes absolutely sparkling with the certain knowledge that she was Still an extremely attractive person. Everyone was smiling. Today? " #MeToo! " FFS! 

   But, I haven't even started yet, and I feel this is getting long enough. So, let's get on with the other, completely random, thing that just made me Have To write this post: The Fight! 

  Now, sadly, I never actually witnessed this one. I wasn't there. But, sitting here thinking back to it? I'm quietly pissing myself! 

   Let me just point out; Tom Brown was  every bit an old school Pompey Boy. There were some scarily hard bastards in that bar, back then. Hard Bastards seldom flock to a wimp ..... 

   One time ~ I can't remember how ~ I'd mildly digressed against Tom. Let him down in some stupid little way. Been a bit late for roll call. What ever.

   And, he was round My side of the bar when he mentioned it. A sort of, " Don't let it happen again. " talk. " Alright, Tom. It won't. " 

  And then, just underlining his feelings. Rubber stamping my having had it mentioned; He gave me a little punch to the top of my arm. Just below the shoulder ..... 

   And Fuck Me!!!!! That was the end of That fucking arm! The pain, at the point of impact, was fucking Excruciating! 

  The entire arm just went limp! If that cunt had Mean't it? Hit me Anywhere else with that lump hammer sort of force? I'd have been spark out! 

  That was fucking scary! I mean this guy could fucking handle himself! But, then? Standing head and shoulders amongst these casually, naturally hard and nasty bastards, there was Jamaican Tony! 

  Jesus fucking christ! I hope He's dead by now! Fucking world could do without Him! 

   Mentally disturbed? I honestly don't know. Mentally disturbing? Oh, fuck, yeah! This cunt, just being in the bar, set shit on edge.

   He was like an unaligned suicide bomber. If He went off? Every cunt in the room was going with him. Men, women and children. 

  And, he could go off, just fucking because! Fact that he was Literally about six foot six, shoulders like roller doors and hands like fucking shovels didn't help things. Trip switch fucking lunatic!

   So, anyway; This fight. Turns out, one night, Super fucking Lunatic has washed into Tom Browns place. Shit's happened. Tom's come out from behind the bar.

   Dick Shit is fucking Leaving! But, he's not quite getting the fucking message! This excites Jamaican Tony and He jumps in! 

  Now, I'd Love to have seen this cunt. Because to be even Surviving Tom Brown and Jamaican Tony ....?!? That's fucking Pay Per View, right there! We're surely talking Biblical! 

  So, as I heard it; It's gone out the door. Gone to the pavement, naturally. It's Still a brutal fucking struggle, even with Tony involved (?!) 

  Thinking about it? Who ever this cunt was, he must have cut his teeth against fucking Grizzly Bears! But, this is Pompey. Ye learn not to fuck about, born there. 'Incapacitate the cunt' is the only rule. 

  Thus, as three bodies writhed and wrestled on the floor, Tom was heard to shout out: " Grab his balls, Tone!!! Crush his fucking balls!!! " 

 " I've got 'em, Tom!!! "

   " Tony!!! TONYYYYYY!!!!!! " 

  Fuck!