Tis The Season .....

..... Of Their Return! Says that on my bill / poster. Rats, of course. And it is. Certainly out here, at least.

See; We don't get " Summer Rats ", like UK does. Dublin might? We don't. At least, we don't notice them and they don't bother us in the warmer weather. Ours tend to stay out in the hedges and ditches then. Because we have hedges and ditches. Your cities have only back gardens. Get rats in ye back garden and ye'll fucking soon notice them and raise a stink about it.

Out here, the shit hits the fan around now. Cattle have been in the sheds a month. Outside's piss wet and getting noticeably colder. The rats are starting to think, " Fuck This for a game of Commensal Rodents! Let's go commens." And so they do. They commence to commens.

(Ok. Commensal is a proper word. Commens isn't. I made it up. But, it goes well in what I just said, doesn't it ....? Oh, just fuck off, or keep reading!)


So, I was sat here, this evening, minding my own business. The phone rang and it's a guy I know. He's called to tell me about this new camera he's just bought. Swish, Canon Digital SLR job. Real Dogs Bollocks piece of kit, apparently.

And, as we're sat chatting, he's said something I didn't quite catch. Something about 'Hearing' and 'Frame'. I'm like; " What ....?! " And then he repeated. Something about he can " Hear him ". And some shit about the door between these two rooms.

I guess I just couldn't take in what I was hearing, at first. But, it all played out: The guy is sitting there, in his nice, relatively clean living room. In his nice, relatively clean home. And he's listening to this Gnawing, down in the frame of his nice fucking living room door!

Ye'd better believe it. Lights on. Stereo playing. Him moving about and even talking on the phone. And there's some fucking rodent trying to eat its way out of his door frame, not two yards from where he's sitting. This shit happens all the time. I get to hear about this shit.

Hey ho. I know the guy. I know his property. He brought me up to speed on his situation. I gave him a tip or two. He'll be safe enough for tonight ~ especially now that he knows he has company and so can take precautions.

I'll drop by, tomorrow, and will put a little something down that hole. Something only a properly qualified person can get their hands on. That'll put a stop to That little incursion. I'll also check the bungalow over and advise him how to ensure it doesn't start again any time soon. Job done.

I like jobs like this. Third one in a week. Client discovers they have 'a rat' and get me in; I sort things out for them with no fuss. They don't get stressed out. It doesn't even cause a 'Ping!' on their back pocket at the end of the week.

Way to do it, see? Sit there thinking, " Oh, shit! I have a rat! Better get a trap / some poison / that kiddie and his ferret / an air gun ....." what ever ? Ye just gonna let the situation worsen. Then, when ye finally realise the shit's out of control? That's when a Pro' like me and a person like you starts getting rather more used to seeing each other than either of us prefers.

I don't like dragging my arse out to your damn place, crawling around in ye shit, for weeks on end. I don't care that it runs you up a nice bill to pay me. I'd honestly rather just earn a fair remuneration for using my Professional Expertise to stop the problem dead in its tracks. Clip it in the bud. Fuck off home early.

Please remember this; It's better and cheaper to act at once, and get a Real expert in straight away. By the time ye try to handle things yeself ~ with 'some stuff from B&Q' and the kiddie down the road? That's when things simply get left undone and the nuisance becomes a Problem.

A nuisance situation, a professional can sort so fast he'll make it look like he's ripped ye off at under £50. Let it get to be a Problem situation? Sharp intakes of breath all round!

Your call, people.