Use Ye Eyes .....

 " Use Ye Eyes And Check For Flies! ". That's a little maxim I taught myself years ago. Since I put my Jameson glass to my mouth and, somehow, just happened to notice the dead fucking fly floating in the amber goodness!

 I'd hit the bastards with some good fly spray. See? It's like nerve gas. They just completely fuck up and lose all semblance of self control. Bounce off walls. Bounce off me. Break dance on the window sill. Drop dead in my whiskey glass ....!

  So, now it's a written thing with me. Every night here, I pick up my chunky glass. Peer into it. Then blow. I've even since learned that a House Fly ~ the little ones ~ may not be apparent to my, less than it used to be, eyesight. 

I blow into the glass to be extra sure there's nothing vile in there. Don't want to be swallowing flies, eh? Good blow causes a vortex that lifts shit out.


 Anyway; A nice cup of tea. Right? Let's get off all this whiskey 'n beer 'n shit. Let's get a nice, civilised brew on. Come with me now. I'll walk ye through it;

  I stand up, from this chair. Chair here in my old, Irish family farm cottage. Concrete floor. The old sort of concrete, like we don't seem to see any more. This shit has polished pebbles showing through. Yeah?

  Maybe we just don't see so much Old concrete, these days? Used to the new, gray stuff? What ever. That's what I have in here. And in the adjoining kitchen. The kitchen we'll go into now.

  There. See that squarish chest freezer? That's my  work top. I do everything, out here, on there. It's a bitch when I'm in the middle of something, on top of the freezer, then I realise I want something from inside the fucker!

 Anyway, because of this, see, I've developed a sort of routine now. I take shit ~ like the kettle ~ off it, at night when I'll only be cooking my grub there. Drinking beer, rather than tea. Kettle sits on the floor. Out of my way.

 Comes the morning? My cooking stuff is else where, on the floor. I pick up the kettle and put it back on top of the freezer. Chuck a mug of water in it. Make myself a cup of tea.

 See that? I want a mug of tea. Not a fucking pint of it. Thus I chuck a mug of water in there. Why arbitrarily pour a random amount of water from the tap. Then waste ye life waiting for god knows how much to boil, just for a single mugs worth?

 Only, ye have to add a bit more than a mug. Because the tea bag will soak up and remove a certain amount of water / tea. See? So, I always check the 'empty' kettle ~ a nice, stainless steel, Swan, upright ~ to see there's that half inch or so of water in it already.

 Thank god I do! Because, this morning, I glanced into the kettle and thought, " Eh ....?! " Something had caught my eye. Some shifting shadow in the half inch or so of water in the bottom there. 

 I'd just taken the kettle off the concrete floor, see? I'd last used it the day before. It'd probably been on the floor, I dunno; Twenty hours? Slung my bit of water in there. Looked, just to see it looked enough ..... saw more than water.

 For a split second, my head said, " Fuck it. Ignore it! A shadow. An optical illusion. Ye've just got up."

 Bollocks to that! I stuck my hand in there. Felt around a bit ..........

 Pulled out a SLUG!!!!!

 It was dead. But, it Had slithered into that kettle over night. It Had Not been in there, yesterday, boiling into my tea water! No! And Nothing ye can ever say will convince me of that!

 Fuck off! I'm not listening! (La, la, la, la, la, la, lah!!! I can't hear ye!!!)

 I Have Not Drunk Slug!!!!!