Vile Experience In The Pub .....

 So, today I've ended up in Jim's, in town. Got a pint and sat there, on my own, at the far end of the bar. Bar's shaped like a paper staple. Long bit with a short. right angled bit at either end. I'm right on the far end of the long bit.

 Having got settled, I had a suck of my pint and went off to do the shopping I'd come into town for. I always do it this way. Popping in and out of Jim's.

 Came back to find a little old lady sitting on the short bit of bar, at my end. Ye got this? She was on the middle one of three stools there. I could have reached across and touched her.

 She told me Jim was out in the Guest House side and would be back shortly. I pointed out that I had a beer already. All was good in the world. We sat in contented silence.

 Another guy came in. He sat precisely opposite the lady. But, obviously, about twenty foot away, at the other end of the bar. We exchanged a few words of greeting. Jim finally stepped back in. Fine.

 Then, after a short while, the older lady left. I chatted to Jim. Jim had a chat with the guy at the other end of the bar. Lady came back in. Returned to her position. And asked Jim if he'd seen her purse!

  No, says Jim. It wasn't on the bar. Nor had it been. Had she left it in the guest house side? Off goes lady. There I sit. Feeling completely un fucking comfortable!

 Every fucker in that bar knows that I've been alone, with this lady. In arms reach of her. Now her fucking purse is missing!

 Back she comes. No. Her purse isn't out there. " Check the loo's, " says Jim. " Ye might have left it in there. " Off she toddles. I'm sat there, virtually fucking hyperventilating by now! If this fucking thing doesn't turn up ....? Small town. No one'll say fuck all. But the entire fucking community will Know!!!

 When she's come out of the shitters, shaking her head? In my minds eye, I'm leaping up, assuming the position and fucking Begging Jim to search me! 

 My whole world's about to collapse here! Reputation destroyed! Ye can't just open a new account and adopt a different handle in a one horse town! This is Real Life. Small town, rural Eire. And my whole persona's on the fucking block!

 Even as she's explaining, to Jim, about how she'd had it with her. Had put it on the bar ~ That oh so obviously incriminating yard of fucking bar. The bit of bar the imported Gypo' was sat within easy reach of. Alone with her .....

 I leaned to my left and just had a crafty look under the closest stool. One next to hers. There was this small, black rectangle on the flag stones.  I got up and reached down to pick it up. " Hang about! Is This it? "

 That fucking woman almost Exploded with the profusion of thanks that gushed out of her! " Thank you! Thank You! How many fucking ways can I say 'Thank You'?! So Fucking Much! " 

(Well, she didn't actually use those exact words. Just the " Thank You! " bits. But, it sounded like it)

 She left. Happy as fuck. Jim smiled and nodded to himself. Content that the dotty old dear had nothing more to worry about, as far as his establishment was concerned.

 Me? I just sat there. Saying nothing. Probably noticed by no one. As I tried desperately to just ride out the most appalling bout of fucking palpitations! I could barely breath and felt like my lungs had been sucked out as my heart sped towards self destruction.

 Dear fucking god! What if she'd dropped the damn thing in the street, and some 'passing through' stranger had picked it up? I'd have been fucking Branded!

 No one would mention it. People would still smile and say; " How are ye ....? " But, I'd have Known what they'd always be thinking.

 Vile fucking experience!