I'll Give You " Timber!!! " .....

Mother Of Fucking God!!! 

 

 I Nearly Died And I Never Knew It!

 Five days a week, I walk the Dogs up to my post box. Obviously, with the last post being 24th, presumably until today? I've simply had no reason to go out the gate.

 And, with all that rain? I guess, in retrospect, when I've gone out the back door, to the ditch or what ever? I've just been looking at the ground, trying not to slip in the mud.

  That could well explain why I never noticed the slight matter of a fully mature Sitka Spruce having crashed over. Missing my cottage by just feet! God alone knows when this bitch came down then.

 I have eighteen inch thick, stone walls. Tin over old thatch roof. Extremely new and good quality double glazing throughout. Throw in that I'm deaf as a post too? I barely hear fuck all in here.

  I did catch the sound of some wind, 'recently' though. I remember mentioning to the Dogs; " Windy out there tonight, Dogs. " If I could hear it? It must've been a Tin Tester! That'll be when she dropped. Faark! 

  And The Gods did look down and say; " Steady on there! That's fuckin' Ditch in that place! Easy over a few feet to the north, so ye don't crush him and his Dogs. Only, not too far. Else ye'll crash over the boundary onto his neighbours land.

   In fact, if ye could just go down right There. There's barely a couple of feet in it. But That would be absolute perfection. Where he'd have wanted those £K Tree Surgeons to drop ye. " 

  And the tree said; " Your the Boss ....! " And there she is. And, I swear; I couldn't have dropped her more perfectly with a laser guided chain saw!

 I wanted her down, as it happens. I'd even enquired of some passing Tree Surgeons, not so long ago. £MEGA!!!  Thing is; I was trashed to death about her coming down on the cottage.

 A man's got to Tell Someone about a thing like this, of course. So, I phoned Pat' up and told him. He came rumbling down here on his tractor. Saying how he'd bring my SDS drill back ..... There's a whole background thing to " My " SDS Drill ....! But, that's another story.

 Pat' came. He saw. He exclaimed; " Foooking Hell!!! ". He climbed about on her a bit and fell down a hole amongst the roots. That gave me a Flash Back and I just went clammy and muttered something about " 'Nam " and " Those damn booby traps! ".

 Pat' sort of gave me a stare. Then he was off back down the slope. Saying something about 'Needing to get on.' Before leaping onto his tractor and roaring off up the track, away from me.