WHAT The Ever Loving FUCK?!?!

That's Exactly what I said. About five minutes ago! And, boy; Did I fucking Mean it!!!

  Ye couldn't make this shit up! And, it could only happen to me! Jesus fucking wept, I'm still high on it!

  I've gone into my back rooms, to check on Goldie ~ my little goldy mule who lives in there. He's alright.

  Coming out of the big room and just passing through the little box room and I paused to consider a rat snapper I have, on the floor, in there. 

  It's fired. Because I don't want the little Dogs getting their noses in it. Rats have found their way in there, some time since. So, now I just bait them, as and when the Dogs tell me they're back.

  So, I've looked at the trap. Surveyed the detritus around it. My eye's drifted up, to gaze balefully at the window sill. The carnage they wrought on my expanding foam.

  And, that's when I saw This!!!

  Now, just to bring ye up to pace here: That large mass, to the right, is my beloved " Moon Gazing Hare ". A hollow, clay sculpture which I've had, cherished and protected for decades now.

  Centre left is the glass cover of an angle lamp I salvaged, when I got here. I aim to put the whole lamp back up, in my horse pen. It's an antique and that glass is irreplaceable. 

  And, yes; That's a fucking rat!!! And, the fucking thing was breathing! What the Fuck am I gonna do now?!? Other than exclaim what is now the title of this piece!

  I don't own an air pistol. We're not allowed them here. So, a point blank through the spine and heart was out of the question.

  Obviously, there's no way I was going after it with a stick! One inch either way and I'd be in fucking tears! 

  Small Dogs? They'd fucking Love a go! But, guess what? Ellie Belly's in heat, as I type! So, she and Licky were in Licky's cage, Balzac losing his shit over them!

  I had to think, quick! Call myself a fucking rat catcher ....? And, I was very much on my own with this one!

  Fortunately, I kept my shit together. Strode smartly in here and grabbed my stove tongs! 

  Marched back in there and ~ ever so gently, even though I was sure he'd taken the bait and was non compos mentis  ~ I lowered them over his neck and Squeezed!!!

  And, fuck me, did that bugger go!!! For a rat that wasn't supposed to know what day it was? That fucker reacted!

  Brought him outside and beat his head the fuck off the wall. Dropped him. And we started dancing!

  I'm wearing my lovely, comfy Crocs, and this bastard's doing everything he can to launch himself at my feet!

  Die, you bastard!!! Few more hefty whacks and cracks with the tongs. Fuckin' thing finally stopped that shit.

  And, half a pint later, I think my pulse has about returned to normal.

  Couldn't make it up, could ye? Ditch Shitter. Even on fucking lock down, I'm living the life exciting! For fuck sake!