Memories .....

  So, I'm out the ditch, today. Glorious fucking day. Sun's shining. Pesticle's just scarfed down a good breakfast of her special grub. I'm at peace with the world. And, I'd probably just been watching some pretty fucked up shit on line too. As is my want.

There I am then, gazing up through the sun dappled leaves, dropping my guts, and letting my mind drift happily. I thought things in the Gypsy language. I thought back to the times when I knew people I could  talk to, in Gypsy.

  Inevitably then, I thought of Her. How we could communicate, freely and fluently, openly, yet secretly, in a crowded room. I thought about how, a decade or so back, word had reached me that she'd love to get back in touch. And I thought of what she did.

  Forty years ago, this was. We were together, then. Living together as a couple. Probably sharing love and libido in about equal measures. She had ten years on me. But, was thus a woman in her prime. I was a young buck.Well matched.

  Looking back? I s'pose we, basically, couldn't keep our hands off eachother. Bang at it on the drop of a hat. " Any time. Any place. Anywhere. " Spontaneous and frantic.

 At night, in bed though, at least things could Start more relaxed and gently. And, I guess, looking back? I've really always been a gentler lover. I liked to ease into the actual business. The porn film stuff could kick off, once we were fired up.

  I remember snuggling up against her back. Nuzzling and nibbling her neck. The trace of perfume warm and pleasing. Her auburn hair warm against my lips. My fingers brushing her thigh. My hardness pressing against her, from behind. 

  A gentle, urgent announcement. A request. Moving my hips rhythmically. Firmly. Are we both as ready ....?

  Then, she let rip with The Most fucking disgusting fart!!! The noise was like a sustained burst from a twin Vickers fucking machine gun! "BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPP ". Jesus Fucking Christ!!!

  No stench, thank god. But, the sheer level and force of wind expellation, coupled with the proximity? It bitch slapped my poor dick like a boxers fucking speed bag! The most revolting feeling I've ever experienced. Before or since!

  It led to an exchange of words. From me, at least. She couldn't breath for fucking laughing! Dirty cunt.

So, yeah; I know ye likely still out there, Mo'. Ever read this and ye'll know. At least I too can laugh about it now. Took me forty fucking years though! 

Scarred me for life, that did. FFS.

More Ill Winds From Japan .....

  Last year, I showed this, fucking hysterical, thing about the Fart Fights seemingly supposed to have taken place in feudal Japan:

Clicky. 

  Well, last night, I was bored enough to figure I'd go find some bit of nonsense on Netflix. I didn't want to have to listen or pay too much attention. Just be distracted and amused.

  What I ended up watching was some bit of tat from 2012. Called " The ABCs of Death ". Described as:

"  An anthology of stories helmed by more than two dozen directors details 26 ways to die, each corresponding to a different letter of the alphabet. "

  Frankly? It's really entirely up to you whether or not ye want to sit through it all. It's pretty gruelling, to be honest. 

  However, if Japanese Farting makes ye giggle, especially after a few pints? Then I really must Insist that ye scuttle off to ye favourite 'Watch shit for free, on line' site and check out this film! I've just checked: It's widely available out there.

  Only, fast forward to the 26 and a half minute mark. Then ignore what ever ye seeing the tail end of. Because the next one is Japanese. And, I assure ye: It'll blow you away!!! 

  Jesus christ! I just watched it again now, just to be sure; Yes! Even stone cold sober, in broad daylight? I'm trying to get my fucking head round what I've just seen!

  What the fucking hell makes these people tick?! 

Eye Watering Stuff ....!

  It seems little is now remembered about the " Fart Fights " which used to take place in feudal Japan. Yet, they remain known to us, thanks to their illustration in traditional (f)art work.

One of the most hysterically funny things I've seen in ages! (Oh, and also one of the best Blogs I've come across too)

 ..... Messy Nessy Chic

Here; Have A Fucking Good Laugh .....

Ever Farted At A Bad Time?  So asked " The Body ", over on Boards.Ie.

 Probably the funniest fucking thread I've ever read! Definitely 'Not Safe For Work'. Because, I guarantee ye, ye'll be screaming with laughter!

 Now, while you enjoy a bit of that? I'm off to get some proper Blog written. I have my own shit backing up here. I just get too distracted with reading shit like this thread.

 Can ye blame me?

Driving With Dean O' .....

Went over to Dave Movihill's gun shop with Dean O' this evening. I'd barely got into the van when I decided to add to the ambience and so silently peeled off the most throat locking fart. I then sat there and silently PMSL. Counted to ten and heard Dean O' open his window. In equal but, somewhat more stoney, silence.

It's a long old drive and, by the time we were heading back, I was doing my bit to break the monotony of the journey we'd undertaken so many times before. To this end, I'd spent about the last three quarters of an hour periodically easing my arse off the seat and slipping out some of the most vile and loathsome samples of rectal putrification known to man.

Dean O's a stoic sort of driver though. All concentration. Eyes locked on the road ahead. He never once flinched.

Still determined to get a rise out of him, I went through my usual repertoire of randomly emitting strange noises. Thrusting my head in and out. Occasionally slipping another one from my rancid bowels. No reaction.

Finally, I thought I'd try a verbal approach.; " When I was in school, " I said, casually. " I knew this big family. Their oldest lad was on a train one time, with some mates. It was speeding along and he stuck his head out the window, like a Dog. To get the wind in the face effect.

Got an oncoming train in the face instead. Took his head clean off. "

" And, I'll take Your fucking head off, if ye don't stop that farting!!! ", snarled Dean O'!

Got the bastard!

Anyone Ever Had Anyone .....

Fart into their own, willingly wide open mouth? You know; Actually sit on ye mouth. Make the seal and let rip.


I've just this minute posted that same question in the Tap Room, over at " Jims ". Could cause a lively spot of uproar. Just as likely get blatted by the first Mod' to read it.

Funny place, Jims. Since Jim instigated the automatic censor. Now we can say " Bastard ", " Arse " and " F*cking " (with the asterix). But, we can't say " Shit ". Try to type that and the system changes is to " BS ".

Anyway, not my place to question Jims judgement. It's his forum. Do as he likes. I do find what he's blatted strange though. What ever .....


So; How about it? You open ye mouth ~ head, one imagines, comfortably supported by a pillow or similar. Then someone lowers their bum, arse hole directly over ye open mouth. The pressure of their controlled weight and your willing lips form a perfect seal and ..... Fraaaarp!!! They let ye have it.

Don't know what made me think of this. Jameson Whiskey? Fact that I've hurt my back ~ back pains tend to focus around ones bum sort of region. Could be a subconscious thing. Maybe just that, for what ever reason, I'm being particularly flatulent myself tonight?

I really don't know. But, I once read ..... who's that 'Agony Aunt' type woman who always says " Luvvie " ? Claire Raynor? Something like that. Decades back I read her saying that; What ever 'sexual act', no matter how deviant or off the wall, we may think of? Sure as hell some bugger's thought of it before!

Well, it's taken me a life time to think of this one. Not that I fancy it, either way. Just wondered what the effect on the throat and lungs would be for the 'receiver'. Would one notice the injection of air down the airway? Would it cause a slight swelling of the lungs? Would one involuntarily belch it back out, through mouth or nose?

Wonder if a particularly 'good' and 'strong' fart would somehow effect the " Eyes, Ears, Nose and Throat " set up? Ye'd hear it, one supposes. Presumably feel it rattle and rush down the throat. Would ye smell it, on the way back out again? (Interesting point). Either way; Probably enough to make a grown mans eyes water. Don't ye reckon?

Something to discuss with ye mates at work, eh? Even ye partner.

Do, please, feel free to experiment. Post us ye results here. We're all ears.

Oh For Fucks Fucking Sake ....!

Just sat and eaten my dinner. Usual at this moment in time; Two pork chops and chips with gravy. Eat that every night. No problemmo. Suits me fine. Put my plate down for the Orange Dog to clean up, as ever. Then, deciding I fancy a piss, I step outside.

Now, work it out. It's only natural, isn't it? I only eat once a day. Normally quite late in the day. Stomach tends to develop a bit of air during said day. Dump a load of food into said stomach. Then piss. Obvious what's gonna happen. Yeah?

So, there I am. Stood there, pissing and farting. Good, long, healthy farts. Real lengthy peelers. And, of course, I'm adding to the fun by demonstrating my pleasure at these actions, for the benefit of my Dogs. Yes; I'm rendering a vocalised accompaniment.

There I am then. Dick out. Pissing a stream and farting long and loud. Going, " Ooooooh, Yes!!! " And, " Mmmmmmm!!!!! " to each, stretched, high pitched peeling. I was about entering into the third abdominal eviction when the Dogs heard something more like; " AaaaaahhhhhAAAAAAGHHHHHH!!!!! Oh, For Fuck Sake!!!!! ". As I felt the light, warm touch of an ostrich feather racing down the back of my left thigh, in a headlong rush for my slipper!

That'll do ye. Any more on this issue and it most decidedly would be 'Too Much Information!'. But, you just wait till ye get to my age. Then ye'll fucking find out!

Good job I can still be fast on my feet, have plenty of kitchen towel and Dogs about. Thought, for a minute there, I might even have to change into my other pair of trousers!